The Blue, my dejection

The Blue, my dejection

When I remember the last time when I had active in the university, there is a different feeling. The time where I often get tausiah or just had made a discussion about married. I felt I had a big spirit to apply that one of sunnatullahs that it make usable to fulfill half of religion. I use to have a dream to apply it before age twenty five and with a strong motivation to get half, almost to all of my friends I told it, without any consideration and deep thinking and now I am more than quarter of century in age. After prepare myself, read so many books about married, discuss with many people and search in any webs. I am become afraid.

Nowadays, some friends told that I already old in age to marry with someone and I know it. I have felt alone since almost half of my friends get their final decision to sail in the new world. Being couple and make a family. Those make me more and more afraid. I am not afraid of doesn’t get the partner of life because of my age but so many things make me being scary. I am afraid of loneliness because no more friends and I am afraid of marry because of my defect and trauma. I am afraid to tie my egoism and block my dreams, I feel make me like in the prison, I still remember one of my lesson in the junior high school, my teacher told that mother Aisyah r.a have told if marry was a beautiful form of slavery. I want to be free to choose my own way to live and enjoy my life but sometimes, I wanna go away to far and far distances.  Find the new world that the societies don’t care about my status. I don’t know because I am so blue. I just wanna run away.

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I don’t know maybe I don’t afraid of marry but scary to love and to hurt because of love…